Another Date Day

Yes, this is what we have resorted to--doctor days are date days. These are the days in which Elt and I get some time to ourselves, a chance to have a quiet lunch, and then find different ways to kill time. Usually, there are two appointments in one day--a blood test which only takes about 10 minutes and then a two hour wait before seeing the doctor. Yesterday was my chemo day and I had an additional blood test two hours prior to the chemo to make sure my blood counts were high enough to continue with the treatment. Luckily, I got a pass and things went on as planned. Otherwise, I would've had to wait another week!

Our usual spots for lunch have been mostly of the asian variety. There's the Great Wall for shanghai dumplings and noodles, Tropika for deep fried tofu and seafood fried rice, and our favourite of all, iCafe. We like iCafe the best because it's only a block down from the cancer agency and they give you free parking in their garage (a secret only known to regular customers like Elt's mom). After getting ripped off for parking underground for many visits earlier on, we finally found out street parking was actually a lot cheaper (or Elt just waiting in the car until my blood work was done and not pay meter at all!). Well, now we just conveniently leave our car in the iCafe lot even after lunch and sneak back in when chemo's over, hehe. What else do we do to waste 2 hours? Well, there's London Drugs, Artigiano, Whole Foods, ToysRUs and of course Home Sense which we've been quite often!

Once we arrive at the chemo room, we are greeted by a friendly nurse who acts a little like a flight attendant. She tries to get you as comfy as possible by warming up your veins with a hot wet towel and a warm blanket. Then she even offers a variety of drinks--juice, pop, water. Volunteers visit with free coffee, tea, or books. If you are really lucky, there's a friendly face in the room and you can chat with them to let the time pass. Yesterday, we met a woman who just came back from Palm Springs and was sharing her traveling experience.

Before any i.v. bag gets hooked up, they always verify your birthdate and name. It gets announced to the rest of the room and I am usually a little coy about it since I am always the youngest one there. You always hear birth years like 35 and 46, and here I am at 76. The one thing I can't stop paying attention to is the size of people's files. My friend pointed this out to me once and now I can't help but notice! The nurse lays them out on the counter in the order of arrival so she doesn't get mixed up with her notes. Mine is always the thinnest (thank god) but yesterday, both ladies had quite large files and I know that one of them had a recurrence.

The other thing you notice in the chemo room are the different types of chemo that everyone gets. There are so many treatments and types of cancer that I've never encountered anyone on exactly the same thing as me. One time I saw a woman who needed to be on a stretcher and rotated every 15 minutes. The woman next to me yesterday only had chemo for 10 minutes. By the time the nurse explained the side effects, she was done! My chemo requires me to wear these oven mitts that have been stored in the freezer. The cold gloves have to be worn 15 minutes before the chemo, during the chemo, and then another 15 minutes afterwards. It's supposed to minimize the circulation of the blood in the your fingernails to prevent discolouring or brittleness. My response to that was, "What about my toenails?!" Well, they don't protect your feet for hygienic reasons--go figure! Who needs their toenails anyway, right?

I am on my second day post-chemo and I already had to cook my own breakfast this morning as well as help make dinner! The VIP service is definitely dwindling around here. At least I still have a good supply of blueberry muffins due to a muffin fairy that keeps our supplies up! Just feel a little fatigue but the other side effects are combatted with meds and frequent mouth washing.

I found out that after my last chemo next month, I will have a 4 week rest and then have 5 1/2 weeks of daily radiation (no weekends). Aftter that, I will get another 4 week break and then will have surgery and reconstruction simultaneously. So, I'm just approaching the half way mark at this time but I am looking forward to not having chemo anymore because there's a lot of work that goes along with it--long waiting times for appointments, injections, and meds.

Aidan just turned the big 5 last week and Liam has finally taken his first steps. Time passes by so quickly you really have to appreciate it all!


Love, J

Lymph Nodes Clear!

I saw my doctor today and got some great news. She did an examination on me and couldn't feel the lumps in my lymph nodes anymore!! I was like, "Are you sure?" She casually replies, "Yes. So early..." She went on to tell me that estrogen-positive tumors like mine don't shrink or melt away like estrogen-negative tumors. She said if we stop the cancer from advancing, the treatment is doing its job but if the cancer can regress, that's even better. So, it looks like we are heading towards the right direction! Yippee!

My doctor also brought out the measuring tape to measure the size of the tumor. Since many people have been curious of this progress, here's more good news:

Before: 11cm x 11cm
Now: 9cm x 7.5cm

There are 3 more chemo treatments starting Monday (moved from Friday). I have been saving my tears for good news so let the tears flow...

Cheers! J

No Genetic Mutation!!

I received the great news yesterday over the phone (given as an option rather than having to go all the way back to the office). Not having the gene means that my cancer is not hereditary but is sporadic (as in the majority of cases). This also means that I will not be getting a double mastectomy and I won't need to remove my ovaries as a precautionary measure. I could still have my ovaries removed as some do to reduce the amount of estrogen in the body but I would need to do more research on that. This news not only simplified my surgical options, but it also freed my immediate family of genetic testing as well. Although they have a slightly higher chance of cancer compared to the rest of the population due to the fact that I am a close relative, their chances will not be increased by 3 or 4 times the norm.

To hear such good news brought out a flood of emotions. I mostly felt elated beyond belief but it was also the end of a tough two weeks. The day after I wrote my last blog my throat became all swollen up to the back of my neck. We called the doctor hotline at the cancer agency and I was told I was probably "fighting off something" and that a little tylenol would help. It went away in two days days. Then my mouth started developing a film around the insides and my lips were swollen on the verge of mouth sores. I was also having a lot of trouble sleeping at night and I lost the sharpness of my taste buds. These side effects were a long time coming and were on the list of things to come. However, because they were more long-lasting, I felt a more permanent sense of "sick". Of course I always feel sick right after chemo but once the week passes, I expect to feel my normal self again. It didn't happen this time. It's been two weeks now, I can say that I am almost there but I don't think I will ever feel as good as before. It just feels like my body's always fighting off a bug. This will be as good as it gets and it's a new normal that I will have to get used to and not get too hung up about.

So in the midst of not feeling as good previously and waiting for these test results, it has been a long two weeks. I am going to hold on to this good news though as I prepare to see my doctors again to finalize the details of the next few months.

On another note, I registered Aidan for kindergarten the other day. Can't believe he's going to full-day next year. Before my duty day at his preschool, he said he didn't want me to be in his class because he didn't want me to watch him play with his "girlfriend", Mackenzie. I had to convince him that I would not interfere! What is happening to our children?!

Love, J

New Chemo Drug Rocks

I switched chemo drugs yesterday to docetaxel which is not supposed to affect your stomach, but has severe muscle aches instead. My doctor gave me some meds to counter the side effects of the aches and it has worked miracles because I don't feel any pain at all. I had chemo at 12pm yesterday, took a short nap when I got home, and was able to come out to enjoy dinner with my family (something I'm not usually able to do until about 3 days later). My appetite is normal and I feel like I eat what I want without worrying about how it's going to affect how I feel. In general, I didn't feel half as tired as I had been during past treatments and yesterday, I already felt like it was Day 5!

Today I woke up, helped dressed the kids, and even did some dishes. Now mind you, I do feel like I have had chemo but my energy level is at about 80% right now and it feels great. I am going to take it easy nonetheless and stay home a few days because with the docetaxel, it hits the immunity at a faster rate so I will be vulnerable to getting sick.

I have a few things pending this month--genetic test results, final decision on surgery, and the results of my critical illness insurance claim. I will also see a radiologist next month to find out more about radiation therapy and what that entails. Will keep everyone posted.

J

Shrinkage

I had a routine appointment with my doctor last Thursday and she had to check me out since she was away during my last treatment and I was seen by her replacement. Dr. S didn't feel that the tumor had shrunk a significant amount. She said that tumors can have scar tissue and other barriers that make it difficult to "feel" its actual size. Even though I have felt that the tumor has gotten smaller (my breasts look symmetrical now compared to before when the right side was more than a half size larger), I can't be sure. Lymph nodes, however, are much better indicators of whether or not the chemo has been effective. After looking back at her notes from our first visit, she was happy to report that my lymph nodes had shrunk from over 3 cm masses to a 1.5! So as long as the cancer is not advancing, we are making progress.

Going into the 4th cycle of treatment, I did not feel any self-induced nausea. I think it was my own mind playing tricks on me since I knew it was the last "bad" one. I faired the best I ever had and didn't even vomit! The past few days have just been laying low but I was already out today for lunch and a walk around the mall during Aidan's school time. Looking forward to chowing down on good food and hanging with good company this week!

Love, J

"One Halle Berry, please."

I went to see the plastic surgeon yesterday and got an earful! TMI!! Before going in, I was pretty sure I would get reconstructive surgery. However, after the consultation, I have some serious considerations. With cancer, it's just not as simple as getting a boob job.

Two surgeons will work simultaneously during surgery. One surgeon will remove the tumour and the other will do the reconstruction. There are two routes with reconstruction--implants or using tissue from your own body. Since I am going to have radiation therapy which will cause scarring around the implants and other complications, she does not want to use implants. Thank goodness because I probably would say no to implants since that would also mean a one year process and surgery at some time in the future to replace them. Therefore, she would be using "tissue" (better known as fat) from my stomach area. Luckily, I have enough fat in that area (as if there was any doubt!) and I told her emphatically that I could do my part in the weight gain department. This type of surgery would mean a scar that would go hip to hip across my stomach which would make recovery time longer. Good news is that it would be a major tummy tuck--another cancer perk (I can already hear all mothers out there with postpartum pouches cheering). The scar would also be at the same place as my c-section so I wouldn't have two lines down there.

Bad news in a nutshell: 8 hour surgery, 3-5 days in hospital, 6 week recovery time (vs. 2 weeks for a mastectomy), and nipple reconstruction at a later date (minor procedure done in office). Also with any surgery, many complications can arise (mostly 2% or under) which was explained to us in FULL detail. We were also shown in pure national geographic fashion, exactly how the blood vessels detach and will reconnect, blah blah blah. Didn't need to see it to believe it! Luckily, neither one of us were squeamish and we just had a laugh about it in the elevator.

I have full confidence in this plastic surgeon as she is top rated and only works with the best. She is probably the same age as me or not much older and is extremely diligent in what she does. She actually prefers the 8 hour method vs. a 4 hour method to avoid complications during surgery so that tells a lot about the type of doctor she is. My only complaint is that she talked too fast and told me way too much stuff, half of which I can't remember. I am supposed to read up more information on her website and I can email or see her again if I have any other questions.

So, I have a lot to think about in the next couple of months. Doc has given me until end of February to decide what I want to do since they have to book the O.R. months in advance for June. Now I understand why so many people do not do reconstruction. I don't like pain or hospitals but at the same time, that will all be temporary. Whatever I decide will affect the rest of my life and I definitely don't want to go through surgery again later. In any case, even if I wanted to do reconstruction at some later time, the waiting list could be as long as 3 years since I will no longer be a cancer patient who gets priority. I also have to consider the results of the genetic test which will affect my decision on a possible double mastectomy. If anyone knows of someone who has had reconstruction with tissue, please let me know if they are willing to talk to me about it. I would like to get their perspective.

On Friday, I head off to my 4th treatment--the last one with nausea! This will also mark the half way point so I am relieved to get it done. This week, I am just eating well, enjoying friends, and going out everyday so I can get my fun in before catching up on my recorded shows. The kids are well and although Liam is cruising around, he has no immediate plans for walking anytime soon (14 months and counting)! Aidan is only concerned about whether on not his crush is back at preschool, and Elt is excited about skating on Canuck ice on Saturday. Will blog soon. :)

Love, J

Happy New Year

What a two weeks it has been! Long to say the least and my recovery has been slower this time around. We celebrated Christmas with our families the week before my treatment and had the kids open up presents in the morning of Christmas eve. When I asked Aidan what his favourite present was, he replied, "The toothpaste cause it's what I've always wanted." It's the simple things in life that keep kids happy and it's definitely what keeps me happy these days too.

My doctor's visit the day before chemo was uneventful except that my white blood cell count went from a 1. something to a whopping 4.2! At least the injections were doing their job so we need to continue doing them for each cycle. This will just boost my immunity even more and keep me healthier between treatments.

Even though my treatment was in the afternoon, I was already feeling the icky stomach in the morning. This was the first time that has happened and even though I wasn't trying to think about it, the nausea kept coming throughout the day. I usually like to chow down at this restaurant nearby before treatment but it was even difficult for me to finish my meal. When Grace and I got to the treatment room, it was a full house of 4 which has never happened before. The nurse said it was quite busy that day because some patients were having chemo early since they were only half-staffed for the following Monday due to the holiday. One woman had her treatment lying down on a bed that and had to be rotated in several different positions during the infusion. Just as we were getting started, I got a surprise visit from a good friend which perked us up and made everything go a little faster. I was done in an hour as usual and then made our way home.

I did quite well the first night because I took extra meds as soon as I got home. I got sick once but for most of the night, I didn't feel nauseated at all and could sleep. Aidan got a fever that night too and ended up in bed with me all week. He had an ear infection which he had to fight off without antibiotics and made the week even more taxing. Not only was I feeling awful, but there was also Aidan who had round-the-clock pain meds and was waking up at least 3-4 times a night for water, washroom, and just whining. It took him exactly the same time as me to feel better so Elt had two patients to look after all week. I didn't eat as well this time either because my appetite just wasn't there and it was harder to fall asleep at night. Then when I finally did fall asleep, Aidan would wake up. Due to all the interrupted sleep, I am still not feeling like my usual self. Add on a busy funeral day with dinner on Friday, staying up late new year's eve, and a big family gathering last night, I will admit that I am tired! I am 90% there but will rest a bit more in the next couple of days to get where I need to be.

Need to make lunch now so gotta fly...:) Happy New Year!

J

Happy Holidays

I guess some of you have been wondering about how I have been doing since the last treatment but it's taken me some time to write about it because once I feel better after a few days, I don't think much of it anymore. My chemo was in the afternoon and I chowed down before treatment and ate 3 bowls of congee (not at the same time!) when I came home. The nausea wasn't as bad as the first time since I was able to eat something afterwards but I still did feel pretty nauseated--it just started later. I only vomited once and then went to bed for the night around 11pm. The next morning I was already feeling so much better and could have the usual soup to ease the stomach. The recovery process was about the same amount of time and by the 5th day, I was feeling normal again. Since then, I have just been busy with the usual holiday stuff of Xmas shopping, seeing friends, and going out. Normal life has to return quickly because the 5 days I am in bed, Elt has 3 kids to look after including me (the worst kid ever) and I know the strain it has on him. I know my requests for drinks and having food reheated can only last so long before he notices I am more capable, hehe.

We did start the injections and my poor sis couldn't help but let out a little gasp when she saw that the syringes were just normal ones and not the short needles she was used to with the gestational diabetes. We watched a little "how to" video on the computer, the nurse reviewed the process, and then my sis did it. Not really bad, just like any flu shot but I have to have one every couple days--7 times total for each chemo cycle. We laugh every time we do it because we try to pick the least painful spot which they recommend around the belly button area (has most fat), but a little pinch is unavoidable. I'm a guinea pig at times, trying different spots and techniques (faster/slower) to see which hurt the least. By the time we get the hang of it, we won't have to do it anymore! I know I'm just being a big baby about it but it's just that I hate needles and it's NOT my cup of tea.

Our appointment with the genetic counsellor was really interesting so if anyone would like more information about that, let me know. The results will take two months, not three, and I will only have a 10% chance of being a carrier of a mutated gene. The results will impact my decision on the mastectomy but most importantly, on whether or not I will need to remove my ovaries since having the gene would predispose me to ovarian cancer by 45%. Ovarian cancer is very hard to detect and there is no screening test for it so removal of the ovaries would be an option for the future.

I have gotten used to wearing hats in public and prefer not to use the wig (don't mention to Elt!) The half wig is made of synthetic material and can get super hot around the neck. I can't get used to the bangs on the regular wig so if I was going to put a hat over it anyway, I might as well not wear it. When I am at home, I always wear a hat because otherwise it feels like my hair is wet or something--very breezy up there. My hair is so short, it doesn't come out very much in my hat unless I am showering so there is no mess. I am glad I cut it when I did and haven't regretted it since.

Many people ask me how I am doing and seem concerned even when I tell them I am doing fine. Maybe it doesn't seem as if it should be that "easy" but truthfully, I don't have any negative thoughts. I don't focus on whether the tumor feels smaller or whether my hair has completely fallen out yet. It's more of a passing thought like "Oh yeah, I have a horseshoe thing going on my scalp now!" I'm definitely more preoccupied with day-to-day things with the family and am more appreciative of every little moment that I feel great and can do what I want. It sucks to have to lay in bed and have the kids come to me but at the same time, I know that I will feel better the next day so I just look forward to that. Once I feel better within that week of chemo, all the side effects go away and stay away.

My next treatment is Xmas eve which isn't ideal to say the least but I will be celebrating a day earlier since the kids have no clue about dates anyway. Although I will miss Boxing Day shopping (the saddest part of all), I am not bummed out about it because I feel so grateful for all the generosity I have received in the past two months from friends and family. I am guilty for the attention because I feel good for the most part yet the cancer perks keep coming! I know that a major part of my positive mental health is due to all the support that I have and I want to thank everybody again for being there for us. This has definitely been a group effort and I won't ever forget your kindness.

Happy holidays and wishes for good health in 2011!

Love, J

Doctor's Visit

I had a routine visit with my oncologist today to test my white cell blood count (level of immunity) before chemo tomorrow. She said my cells were a bit low at 1.2 instead of the 1.5 minimum. This has no bearing on me receiving the chemo itself so we will go ahead as scheduled tomorrow. However, it does means that I will be needing self-administered injections starting 5 days after chemo to boost my bone marrow to produce more white blood cells. The chemo drugs lower your white blood cells so the doctor wants to make sure there will be high enough levels for the next round. The drug costs $150/injection so for this cycle, it would cost $1050! Don't worry, it should all be covered by extended health so we won't have to pay for it. Whew! I hate needles so I definitely won't be injecting myself and will leave it up to my sis who had the pleasure of using needles during her gestational diabetes earlier this year.

My doctor felt the tumor and didn't feel there was a huge difference in size. She said it was not unusual for my type of breast cancer and that as long it was not growing, we were making progress. She felt like the tumor was a bit more moveable but this could be due to the fact that in my last visit, I still had milk in them. It has even been hard for me to tell if the tumor has shrunk because the milk pushed it more to the surface, but I do know that it has not gotten bigger.

The other thing we talked about today was the mastectomy--single or double. The surgeon had already discussed this with me before and said that the cure was in the chemo treatment, not the mastectomy. She said a double mastectomy in my case would be more of a personal choice, rather than a necessity. People that get double masectomies either have a strong family history of breast cancer or they carried a mutated gene that predisposed them to the cancer. Genetic testing is a long process (3 months for results), is only available for certain patients, and has a waiting list. Since I am under 35 years old (which they consider unusual), I qualify to have the test done. My oncologist told me she would expedite the request for the test since I will be making a very important decision based on the results. To my surprise, I got a call within 4 hours of leaving the office and was booked an appointment for tomorrow noon!

So it will be quite a long day tomorrow out in the west side. I have a two hour break in between appointments so I will eat a hearty meal before and after chemo and hope I do better this time.

J

G.I. Jess

So I took took the plunge today and cut off all my hair. My hairdresser was generous enough to offer her services so of course I took the opportunity to have a professional do it. It was definitely not as simple as I imagined it to be since she took the time to trim down my hair first before using the buzzer. I'm not completely bald because you would need a razor to do that, but there's short stubble all over. I don't think we could've done it ourselves (and understandably, Elt was not up to the challenge) so thanks, Sue!

Since my last blog entry I had lost about half my hair. I could've still wore it out no problem since you couldn't really tell unless you lifted up the sides. I guess even though I was avoiding it, I wanted to do it before Friday's treatment because I would be in bed when the rest of hair would come out anyway. I didn't even wash it the past few days because there was no point in making matters worse. Also, I clipped it up to keep it less messy since it was hard to keep Liam's hands out of it when I held him. I was like Charlie Brown's tree where every little bump would create a pile of needles.

So how does it feel? Well, the whole thing was rather anti-climatic. It didn't make me upset at all like I thought and it's just a new me that I have to get used to. I have been wearing a cap at night to keep the hair in place so we are all used to how I look in it. Without the cap, I will admit I look a lot tougher than before and I'm sure if I put on some camouflage, people would not mess with me! My head feels like the soft side of velcro when I run my hands through it. Aidan was there the whole time and he didn't seem upset or scared. I don't know what he thinks about it but I had mentioned the wig and cutting my hair over the past couple of weeks so he was expecting it to happen. Liam gave me wide eyes when I took my cap off to remove the wig, but when I put my cap back on, he was okay. Elt really likes how it looks and actually prefers me without a wig or cap. Although losing hair is the most physical sign of cancer, it is the least painful. Other side effects of chemo are worse and have longer effects so I am more concerned about those. The good news is that my showers will be down to 3 minutes, and we'll be saving a lot on shampoo and electricity from hair drying and straightening!

Early tomorrow morning I go in for testing and then see my oncologist for a report on the progress of the first treatment, so keep your fingers crossed.

J

Hair, Hair, Everywhere

It has been a while since I have written but no news is good news, right? :) A week after the first treatment, I felt completely back to normal--no hunger or headaches. My energy has been back as well as the belly I lost. I have been busy Xmas shopping, cooking, cleaning, and spending time with the kids. After getting accustomed to a full week of both moms cooking and cleaning for us day and night, we were rudely awakened with the return of "normal life" and having to clean up after ourselves. It was hard to admit that we really didn't need the extra help anymore (although there were times of weakness when we still called on Elt's mom to help us clean, haha).

Liam just turned 1 over the past week. Even though he's 1, he's still a baby in my eyes because he can't physically do a lot of things that Aidan could do at his age. Liam just started crawling on all fours a day before his birthday so he's finally getting around the house more without his walker. He's actually just discovered the fun of opening/closing doors, although he's trapped himself in the bathroom a couple of times. It's like a new world opened up to him since he couldn't really get into things as much in his walker.

On Friday, my hair finally started falling out. I don't know what it is with Fridays but that was the same day I was told about the cancer as well as the day I get my chemo treatments. I think I have probably lost about a 1/3 of my hair so far but it's only slightly noticeable. If I run my fingers through my hair, I can get quite a bit come out. Kinda like after having childbirth when your hair starts coming out again except it's continuous throughout the day, not just after a shower. My plan was to shave my head when it started falling out because it takes less than a week to be bald, but it's definitely easier said than done. You can't help thinking a)Maybe it won't all come out, and b)It doesn't look that bad yet. I know I have to do it before Friday because I have chemo and I don't want to deal with my hair while not feeling well but I will put it off for as long as I can. I guess it'll be the first visible sign of being a cancer patient and nobody wants to walk around with that tatooed on their forehead. Whenever it does happen, I will promise that I will not be one of those old guys with like 4 strands of hair combed over from ear to ear and have it flap wildly around in the wind. Somebody better arrange an intervention if that happens!

J

Hunger Strikes

It has almost been a week since my first treatment and I am feeling much better. After the first two days of staying in bed and eating only congee and banana, I have been regaining strength every day. Yesterday, I went to drop Aidan off at school and did a stroll through the mall. I have a constant feeling of the onset of a headache or sinus pain but it is tolerable without having to take any meds. Besides needing an afternoon nap during the day, my energy level is pretty good and I am sleeping well at night (when Liam doesn't wake me up).

The other thing that has been pretty good is my appetite. Although I can't eat a huge amount in one sitting, I am hungry quite often so I have been eating up a storm. The hunger is very much like pregnancy hunger in that it's in the pit of your stomach, and it's an emptiness that needs to be filled immediately. When you are pregnant, you can eat food you crave but then feel sick afterwards. However with chemo, I don't feel sick after eating so pretty much anything goes! Elt has been keeping a watchful eye on the food supply and is always prepared to whip up something in a hurry when he hears me hollering. I have been "snacking" on curry chicken, lasagna, pizza, sub sandwich, macaroni and soup, veggie soup with rice, fish and chips, fruit pops, dumplings, and even quesadillas! Pretty random things in general but just filling up on whatever's available. I still have lost a couple of pounds so I know how much I have to eat to keep up with my body's constant need for energy. Since there's no worry about gaining weight, I'm going to take what I can get and enjoy eating what I want. Now I better head off to bed before I get hungry again...

J

First Day of School

Just like all first days of school, even though you are prepped with schedules and programs, nothing ever turns out as expected. First, I had an appointment for a chest x-ray and a ECG. These were totally different departments and I needed to check-in at both places. The chest x-ray was easy, get yourself into a gown and stand in front of a plastic board and get your picture taken. Took 1 minute. Then I went across the hall for the ECG which tests your heart for any abnormalities. Again, get undressed and put a towel on your chest. I lay there as a technician places small black stickers on different parts of my body--legs, arms, breast, and chest. Then she takes out this power bar with octopus arms that have clips on the ends of the wires to attach to the stickers on my body. I hold still for a second and it's over.

A half hour break and we're back in another area of the building to meet my oncologist who switched offices from my last visit. She pops in to tell me that my CT scan was clear (yea, only cancer in the breast!!--As Jackie says, this is our twisted humour these days), and if I minded talking to her resident first. Of course, I had to remove my top yet again for the third time, cause who doesn't want to take a look?! So in our discussion with the resident, we find out that the handout that outlined my treatment was the WRONG handout given to me! The original 15 months of chemo that was in the handout should've been only 6 months! To give some background, my chemo cocktail is called ACD. However, they have two handouts, a ACD, and a ACDT. Well, tack on that T and it adds 9 months to the treatment so again, I celebrated, "Yea, only 6 months of chemo!!" So my oncologist said that everything looks well in my heart and chest from tests that I took earlier so we could go ahead with treatment today.

We took a brief lunch since we were to return at 2pm for a "teaching" session before proceeding to the actual treatment at 4pm--well, that's what they told us anyway. So of course, after asking two different people where we were supposed to check in, we finally get to the right place where I meet our nurse. She takes us to a room that has 4 pastel green vinyl reclining chairs, peptol bismol curtains, and beige everywhere else. I turned to Elt and vowed that if I were to win the lottery, I'd come back to renovate this atrocity. Where's the sounds of the tropical rainforest and dim lighting? While I strip the room with my eyes, she starts wrapping a towel around my arm, asking me how I'm doing, and I'm like, "Uhh...are we doing it right now? I thought this was a teaching time?" She's like, "Oh yeah, we bumped you up from 4pm. We usually just do the talk with you at the same time so don't worry." I take a second to wrap my brain around this and we go on with it like everything else this past week.

I was given 4 anti-nausea pills before we got started. For the first 4 cycles of treatment, I will be getting the AC drugs (the ones that cause nausea and hairloss). The first one gets injected into the IV by a 2 giant syringes filled with red kool-aid (yes, I was peeing kool-aid). The next drug was just given by an IV drip. Whole thing took abut 2 hours. I felt fine on the way home and ate some crackers but should've just eaten a hearty meal instead. By the time I got home and lay down to rest, I started feeling the nausea creep up. I was warned time and time again about keeping my stomach full, everything's a learning curve. I only got sick once which wasn't bad at all considering. I stayed in bed for a full day but today, I ate macaroni in soup and even got out around the house. After staying a full day and night at my aunt's place, Liam looked at me as if I was a huge lasagna and he was Garfield! He couldn't get enough of me so I can't last too long in bed, even if I wanted. Aidan seems to want a bit more attention today than usual but all is to be expected. I told him briefly today that I had a "bump" and I let him feel it. I told him the medicine was going to help make the bump smaller and that's why I was tired. He rolled around and went back to Ratatouille. The only real drama we had today was when the iPad was misplaced for 5 hours!

My family's been great helping this weekend and my mom came back today so it's going to be much easier with the cook in town. Thanks for the emails and texts.

J

Week 1

What an exhausting week it has been! Actually, it hasn't even been a week yet since I was diagnosed but it feels like it has been much longer. First I did what I do best and got organized.  We thought about the things that would make me most comfortable in preparation for treatment so we got an iPad, a flatscreen t.v. for our bedroom (long awaited purchase!), and wigs (which costs way more than the t.v., I might add). We also started the paperwork on our insurance claim for "critical illness" which was an extra option I ironically qualified for because I had a high health score. We are fortunate to have taken that option on our insurance since it will be a huge help financially and is one less thing to worry about.

I also had to do a bunch of tests like blood tests, a bone scan, and a ct scan, which check for further spread of the cancer. So far, the great news is that my blood work came back normal and the bones look good. My doctor is also sending my biopsy slides from RCH to the cancer agency to be reviewed by their pathologists for a second opinion as a precaution. Tomorrow I will see my oncologist at the cancer agency who will review all the tests and prepare me to start treatment.  My first chemotherapy session is scheduled for the afternoon after my visit with the doctor. Although I am wrapping my brain about starting chemo tomorrow since I was expecting it to start Monday, I am ready to begin this journey.

Thank you for all the emails and words of encouragement.

J

Message to colleagues - Nov. 6

Hi Everyone,

First, I just want to thank everyone for the overwhelming welcome I received this week during my return to work. I have missed you all (not the work!) and coming back just reminds me of the great feeling of being part of a real team of not only coworkers, but friends.  I was excited to come back only part time since my nightmares of carrying a watermelon in my belly and trying to unpack photocopy paper was still a bit fresh. The best part was missing out on team meetings AND staff meetings (no offense, KY)!!  However, things have drastically changed for me in the past 48 hours and I am sorry that I will not be coming back after all.

On Friday morning, as some of you know, I abruptly left work in the morning.  This was because I had received an urgent call from my doctor to see her immediately. I have had a large lump in my breast examined over the past month with scans and biopsies, and it has been confirmed that I have breast cancer. This news is very hard for me to tell since we have all just celebrated Jackie's news of such an incredible recovery and how could we come from such a high to such a low? In a span of 4 hours, I was diagnosed and sent to the cancer agency where I met my oncologist and was given the preliminary treatment plan and a tonne of information.  I might start chemo as soon as this week after further testing.

I am over the initial shock of it all and today have started to tell family and friends. I have an incredible support system since I have a large extended family and Elt is not working (he was just given a year's severance--which he wanted so don't feel bad). I am moving forward now and focusing on what has to be done in the next year. I am fortunate to have two friends to call upon as resources--a good friend, Jenn, who has survived the exact cancer two years ago, and Jackie, both who have proven that cancer can be beat. I will take this one day at a time and look to my kids for inspiration as well as distraction!

Please do not feel that you have to "do" anything.  I know how much everyone cares and I felt the love last week when I saw all of you. Just keep the positive thoughts flowing.

Love, J