Speed Bumps

The last week of April was a bit grueling. While I was waiting for my PET scan, I was experiencing all these symptoms that made me start to doubt myself. Every time I lay in bed to watch tv, my legs would get numb and tired and wouldn't really go away if I tried to stretch them out. The bone in the middle of my chest was aching and made me think something was wrong with my lungs, and then my breast was swollen. I held it together over the long weekend but when I showed up at the PET scan office on Wednesday morning and they said, "Sorry, we can't do it today," I almost lost it on the girl. They had a problem with the machine and needed to reset it which takes 2 hours, blah blah, I couldn't even remember what she said. All I knew was that I had to wait another 2-4 days. I went home defeated and waited for the call from the manager and they ended up scheduling me in for Friday with a $350 discount.

In the meantime, I finally got to see my radiation oncologist. This was the appointment I had been waiting for since I had not seen a doctor in 3 weeks, the last time in which I was told by my regular oncologist that I was switching to radiation. Many questions still loomed over my mind--why couldn't I have continued with a different kind of chemo? Why are we doing radiation before surgery again? Why isn't it a good idea to take this mother-of-a-thing out of my breast already? And most importantly, are we sure that we are doing the RIGHT thing?! And that's exactly how my appointment started. I said, "I need you to tell me that we are doing the right thing." My doctor put her hands on my shoulders, looked me in the eye, and told me what I needed to hear. She told me that when chemo is not working, then we need to do something completely different. Some people react to radiation and not chemo, and vice versa. The important thing was to remember that I was getting treatment right now. The order of radiation and surgery doesn't matter because I need both in the end. However, to do radiation first will give me a better surgical outcome because if the tumour shrinks away from the skin more, then they won't have to graft skin from elsewhere. Also, radiation treats the lymph nodes in the neck whereas those nodes will not be removed in surgery (only the ones under the arm will be removed). She also told me the pain the in chest was due to the radiation, as well as the swelling of the breast. So I walked away from the appointment with a sigh of relief and calmed my fears.

As for the numbness in my legs, I forgot to mention earlier that I had a hormone injected in me before radiation started. The purpose is to shut off the estrogen in my body and put me in a premenopausal state. Anyways, later that night, I remembered a 10 minute lecture from the pharmacist about the side effects--the most important one being that the hormone can create blood clots so it was important for me to circulate my legs if I was to sit for long periods of time like on an airplane! Duh! Totally forgot. So much for having cancer in my legs. It was in that moment that I realized what a waste of time it was to think negatively. It has truly been an easy road for me up to this point to be positive but until that speed bump comes before you and shakes your belief system, you can get caught up pretty quickly the uncertainty of it all. So I decided at that moment that I was going to be FINE and that nothing was going to stop me from beating this f'n thing. And just like that, I went into my scan without any anxiety and came out of it without needing to look at the results before hearing from a doctor after the weekend.

So...the results are "good" and the cancer has not spread anywhere else besides the breast and lymph nodes. I still have a long road ahead of me but my energy levels are pretty good and my skin has been holding up during radiation. Elt went out and invested in a Vitamix (yes, it's an investment!) and has been blending up some serious fruit and veggie cocktails for me--even the kids love it. I just want to enjoy every minute and make the most of my days before I have surgery. Aidan and I started a "Fun List" since we can't plan any vacations at this time and there are plenty of things to do right here in Vancouver. Last weekend we spent the day at Central Park which has two ponds filled with ducks, a trail that is surrounded by squirrels, and an awesome playground! Who knew? And I have only been living here for 30 years!

Since it's Mother's Day weekend, I want to give a special thanks to our two moms who take shifts to help us babysit, cook, and clean every week. We couldn't get through this without either one of them. I'm also so grateful to be a mom since my kids keep me smiling every day.

Happy Mom's Day, J