Posting by Elton - Beyond the Rainbow

Liam 2 1/2 years old

It's been three months and I just want to send a quick thank you note to everybody for sending messages of support and encouragement to me and the boys.  The support we have been receiving from friends and family whether it be babysitting, the counseling talks, preparing meals for us, or dropping off toys for the boys - please know that we are so appreciative of it and are continuously grateful each day for having you in our lives.   The boys are doing fine as kids really are resilient.  Aidan is going to school with no problems while Liam is at home enjoying his time with his grandma when I'm unable to watch him during the day.  Liam is a little young to really understand what's going on while Aidan often talks about "old times with Mama", reminiscing and looking back at fond memories of the great moments he had with her.  It's strange as he remembers what I consider trivial and uneventful moments but to him, they are special and precious memories that he would probably carry with him for a long time.   I really underestimate how bright and in-tune he is with what's going on.  When I see him playing on his own or going about his day-to-day routine acting happy and normal, I just chalk it up to him forgetting about Mom already.  When in fact, it's quite the opposite.  He thinks about her constantly and misses her but is able to be in the moment and have such a positive outlook because he knows he's going to be ok as he's surrounded by so much love around him.  As an adult, I guess it serves as a reminder that we should sometimes strive to be more child-like.

For myself, I am just trying to keep busy each day while figuring out and adjusting to a new normal for us.  The 15 months I had with Jess were challenging but nothing could prepare me for this next phase of my journey.  Metaphorically, from where I'm standing, it doesn't feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel but know that I must continue trekking down this path on my own and in time, I will see it.   I'm optimistic and certain that that day will come.

I haven't blogged on this site for awhile but today, I want to share a personal story with a different take on the photos.  

Nov 5th, 2010 on the way home from BC Cancer Agency

On November 5th, 2010, no more than an hour after Jess had just started her first day of returning back to work from a year long maternity leave, we received a call from her doctor with the devastating news that her biopsy indicated she had breast cancer.  A few hours later, we found ourselves sitting at the BC Cancer Agency office listening to our assigned oncologist lay out her treatment plan for the next 8 months but all I could hear from her was that Jess should discontinue working, how she should expect drastic physical changes to her body, including hair loss, and that they couldn't give her a positive prognosis or success rate.  We were shaken up and I still remember the drive home being quiet and somber as we were both trying to digest what had happened and the feeling of helplessness as if the world had just turned upside down on us.  Jess' voice finally broke the silence, pointing out in the horizon of the direction we were driving that a rainbow had appeared in front of us.  Her eyes lit up and she said to me with her usual self-determination, "That's a sign that no matter what happens, everything will be okay!". And so she pulled out her phone, and snapped a photo of it.   

And subsequently for the next 12 months during her treatment, whenever she would have a bad day or needed something to cheer her up, a rainbow would always somehow find its way to appear before her.  A close friend of Jessica's, Jodi, had also given her a card with a rainbow on it stating that in her culture and community from Hartley Bay, a rainbow represents LOVE and HOPE which further strengthened her connection to it.  She often wanted to look back on that first rainbow photo she took on that November evening but unfortunately, had lost it sometime during her journey.  She thought that she or Aidan may have accidentally deleted it or maybe got lost somehow during her upgrade to a new phone.  

Fast forward to January of this year when Jess was in the hospital and the doctors had told us that there was nothing more they could do for her now but to manage her quality of life in her remaining final weeks.  Science had given up and failed on us so we directed more of our attention to our prayers hoping for a miracle.  On January 9th, through my brother-in-law Rene, we were introduced to Pastor Marvin and his father Mauricio who had come in to the hospital to visit Jessica and offer to give her a prayer.  It's amazing how sometimes you can meet someone new and feel an instant connection that feels like family and we will be forever grateful of their kind gesture of visiting us that evening and coming into our lives.  With Jess' mom, sister and brother-in-law also in the room, we held hands and gathered around Jess' bed as Pastor Marvin led a heartfelt and emotional prayer for half an hour.  I am not a deeply religious person but for whatever reason after that prayer, all concerns and doubt I had were alleviated off of me and replaced with a sense of peace and optimism that everything would be alright.

Rainbow  photo hung above Jess' bed

Later that evening, Jess' sister Grace was at home backing up contents of her old phone to a new Blackberry that was given to her by her husband so she could have internet access during her long visits at the hospital.  She had been using Jess' old phone for months now and as she was going through the contents of the SD card, she came across a photo that was unfamiliar with as one she had taken.  But after she looked at the time stamp, it all became clear and recognized the significance of it.  She printed it up, framed it, and presented the lost rainbow photo to a very surprised and grateful Jess .  This photo was hung up above her bed and she looked at it everyday until her final days with us.  

Since Jess' passing, a rainbow has appeared in three important occasions for me that could be considered a sign or just pure coincidence.  I have my thoughts on it but will allow you to draw your own conclusions if there is any meaning to it at all.  Here are my stories:

Rainbow above house on Feb 23rd

Ten days after Jess' Celebration of Life on February 23rd, I was sitting alone one evening in my room with many questions running through my head.  I have been talking to many friends, family members, counselors, members of clergy, and reading some books and the common phrase I read or heard  is that Jess is in a better place and her spirit and soul are always around  us.  They say you may not see her physically, but she's there.  It's easier to say when you're not the one sitting on the grieving seat but I did believe there was some validity in it.  However, you can't help cast some doubt where there isn't any tangible proof.  That night, I closed my eyes, said a prayer and took a desperate shot at giving a message to Jess saying that if you are really here with us, show me a definitive sign.  We had both agreed on a posthumous sign prior to her passing but for whatever reason, I was thinking of that rainbow that she hung up above her bed when I was talking to her that night.  The next day, it was sunny and I was sitting in my living room reading a book while the kids were playing with their toys.  My attention was completely occupied with this book when I heard my mom saying aloud how weird the weather was going from being so sunny to becoming completely dark and start to rain.  As I looked out the window, a thought came to me and quickly grabbed my jacket and shoes and rushed outside.  I stood out in the rain looking all around the sky and after a few minutes, I thought "this was crazy" and turned around to head back inside.  As I did, the sun had crept past the clouds illuminating the sky and up above,, a rainbow appeared like it was coming out from my home.

Rainbow seen  on March 15th - Aidan's birthday

March 15th was a emotionally-filled day for me as it was Aidan's 6th birthday, the first of many celebrations and milestone events we were going to have without Jess.  My plan that day was to bring Liam with me to pick up Aidan after school and we would make a visit to see Jess at the cemetery.  It hadn't rained all day but at the time of picking up Aidan, it had just started to come down with rain.  We got in the car and my first thought was to abandon the visit as I didn't want to handle two wet kids and the visit would be cut short anyway.  But my sentimentality got the best of me and knew it was too important of a day for us not to go.  As I started to drive, the clouds began to disperse and the sun was shining brightly now with just a few sprinkles of showers hitting my windshield.  Part of me didn't want to look around for a rainbow and set myself up for disappointment after having that first experience; however, my curiosity got the best of me.  I then found myself driving around with my head out the window but the route that I was taking has many trees and buildings blocking any distant views of any horizon or sky.  There was only one window of opportunity on my route that had any clear visibility of the direction where I had seen the last rainbow and that would be when I crossed a bridge.  And sure enough, when I crossed it, I saw yet another rainbow.  

South Kaibab Trail, Grand Canyon

Last week, I went with my good friend Marco to the Grand Canyon in Arizona for the purpose of a "spiritual journey".  The plan was to arrive there, enjoy the view and go for a hike down the canyon.  En route on our flight, knowing full well of my previous rainbow stories, Marco jokingly said to me how he had this strange feeling that we may see a rainbow during our stay at the canyon.  I thought that it would be pretty cool if we did see one but that it would be a real stretch in the realm of possibility that all the factors contributing to a rainbow would be aligned in the limited 3 or 4 hours of our visit while we are constantly on the move. 

When we arrived, we spent some time in the common public viewing areas before deciding to trek down the canyon in a remote dirt trail area that's also shared with mules by the evidence they've left behind.  Hiking down, I felt very much at peace as the views were unlike anything I had seen before and had thoughts of Jess on my mind - wishing that she was there with us.  Vacations and adventures were something we shared in the 20 years we were together and really, she should have been there.

As we continued down the trail for about 30 minutes, we came across a viewing point where it allowed us to see the other side of the canyon.  A small crowd of students were already gathered there admiring the view and as we looked around the corner to see what they were looking at, we were both in disbelief in seeing a DOUBLE rainbow welcome us!  The rainbow continued appearing for maybe a couple minutes longer before it disappeared as if it had waited for our arrival and left after it had served its purpose.  

April 26 - View of the double rainbow from the South Kaibab Trail at the Grand Canyon

English Bay, April 7th, 2012

On the first sighting of the rainbow that appeared above my house, I was in denial that it could have been a sign or message or anything for me and reasoned that it was just coincidence.  With the second sighting on Aidan's birthday, though timely, I was cautiously optimistic in what it could have meant.  During these last three months, I have been reading a lot of books and talking to some very special people spanning a variety of topics.  This includes spirituality, life lessons, life after death, religion, energy, connections, souls and soul planning, etc. and it has empowered me to have a deeper understanding and different perspective on the people around me and in my life as a whole.  The double rainbow at the canyon, like the others, came at a fitting time and is meaningful if I had only allowed and opened myself to the many possibilities of what it could be.  Yes, I do realize it could all be a coincidence of being in the right place at the right time but by choosing the former, it brings me hope, strength and closer to where I need to be in this world for me and my boys.